omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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