I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
