Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
