Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
