enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
