I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
