Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I need water and some morals
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
