My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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