Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
