I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
