mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
