She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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