Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
