Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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