Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
