I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
