He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
home. puking in laundry basket.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
