her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
