Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
