So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
so much tequila, so little girl.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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