alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize