First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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