so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
