Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
