ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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