this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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