There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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