Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize