Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
being pregnant is like rehab
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
