I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
