Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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