I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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