My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
