I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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