Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
