So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
