Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
