How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Randomize
