Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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