at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
