happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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