i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
