That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So much Jack, so little girl.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize