Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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