Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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