If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
