I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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