To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
