One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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