why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
