3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
