How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
