Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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