Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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