I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
