my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
