well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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