I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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