She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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