I have demons in me.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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