last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
