Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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